​This month’s topic is “Concept Five,” the fifth in our year-long series on the Concepts. This month’s concept is on speaking up and being heard. So please speak up! Email us a few sentences on the concept each month and then enjoy the column.  June’s column will be: 

​Do I know how to delegate or do I try to do everything myself? How are my boundaries? Am I a good manager, trusting those whose responsibility it is to complete a task, or do I “micro-manage” and make myself and everyone else miserable? Do I know how to let go and let God? Send in your shares for next month’s column by Friday, June 16th to NYCAlanonColumn@gmail.com.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

​Our traditions tell us that personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity. But what happens when we aren’t united? Or worse, what happens when a group conscience is in error? What if the decision was taken without full knowledge of the circumstances and facts? What if the decision was influenced by bias or emotion or taken too hastily? Concept Five gives us the answer – we have the right to appeal the decision and to petition all the way up to the Board of Trustees if we believe an error was made. In fact the concept tells us that we have the responsibility to do so for the sake of the fellowship.
 
This right of appeal and petition protects the minority but it also protects the program as a whole. We all make mistakes. Having a process in place to correct our mistakes ensures that the fellowship will have every opportunity to make the best possible decisions. Our goal isn’t to “win” these debates, after all – it’s to provide the best answers. And new ideas often take time to develop and be understood. As does communication, which requires courtesy, respect and effort. But without this effort, we can miss the best solution.

• “An example of such a win/win solution is the story of the two people who wanted a single orange. Recognizing that if one got the whole orange, the other would be unhappy, they agreed to compromise. Each took half of the orange. One promptly peeled her half, threw the peel away and ate the pulp. The other peeled the half he got, grated the peel for a recipe, and threw away the pulp. Had they listened more closely to each other, they could have discovered a solution in which each won the whole part of the orange they wanted, and none of it would have been wasted.” Paths to Recovery p 279

 
The right of appeal also reminds us that as members of our fellowship, we offer our fellows consideration and respect. That means that while we may disagree about an issue, we agree to listen to one another. For many of us who grew up in dysfunctional households, learning that our opinions count, that we have a responsibility to share them and that when we take that courageous step, we will be listened to with courtesy, is a revelation.

• A member shares, “There was no such thing as a “group conscience” in my family or origin – it was my mother’s way or the highway. She was just so lethal, no one wanted to challenge her and in fact we were asked by my father to just keep quiet because the fallout was too hard to take. I’ve come to understand that this is often the way in alcoholic households – the addict rules the roost. And one of the impacts of growing up this way is that it’s very hard for me to ask for what I want. Raising my hand to share was very hard at first but the response I got – quiet attention and perhaps a hug or a kind word after a meeting - helped me to gain the courage to share my feelings and ask for what I need.”

 
The right of appeal also means that we extend that same courtesy to others. It’s often not easy to listen when we disagree. Some of us have been bullied and ignored, our wishes and needs trampled on. Listening to someone else when we know we are right and when our safety has so often depended on taking the situation into our own hands, can feel scary. But the rooms give us a safe place to practice tolerance and our tradition of listening to others share without offering feedback helps us learn how to listen in a healthy way. 

• A member shares, “When I’m listening, I have to remember to stay objective. I can often listen to the one critic instead of the dozens of people who think what I’ve said is a good idea. This is, of course, an old habit from my family but today I am aware of it.”

 

• “When I get stuck in the box of my own thinking and can’t get out, I am usually being petty or impatient. I may be hungry, angry, lonely or tired. That’s when I believe God speaks to me through the voice of someone expressing a minority opinion. At that moment, it seems that God challenges me to look at something from another angle.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p. 142

 
Even if we don’t agree on an issue, it’s important that all members feel welcome in the fellowship. To insure this, we make sure to listen to the minority point of view in all business decisions from the group level all the way up to the Conference. Even when a clear majority favors an outcome, we make sure to have a full discussion to make sure all members feel part of the process. In the selection of delegates, if a candidate doesn’t win by at least two thirds of the votes in the first several ballots, all the names of the candidates go into a hat. In these ways, we insure unity and promote discovery and growth.

• A member shares, “There are a plethora of minorities who might be attending our meetings--perhaps you are the only male in the room; perhaps you are the oldest or the youngest person in the meeting; there may be physically disabled members who have made it to our meeting. Any of these minorities (and others) may have a special request which can be heard in order to honor this Concept. And then, of course, there are the challenges that come up in the natural course of our meetings and group conscience discussions. If I am the only one in a business meeting with a particular point of view, do I feel safe to share it? Concept Five gives me that assurance. "Do I truly listen to those with whom I disagree?" (Paths to Recovery p 283). Not only do I listen, but I also find it stimulating, often enlightening and sometimes an opportunity to change my opinion/vote/knowledge base. 'We're all equal, but we're not all the same.' Respect, trust, consideration and inclusion of all voices will inevitably lead us to honoring our Concept Five.”

 
Concept 5 helps us find the best solutions for all of us and promote unity in our fellowship and in our lives.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

​This month’s topic is “Concept Four,” the fourth in our year-long series on the Concepts. This concept is apt – without your participation, this column won’t happen. Please email us a few sentences on the concept each month and then enjoy the column knowing that you’ve participated. May’s column will be: 

​When I’m in the minority, do I have the courage to speak up? Do I encourage others to speak up when I’m in the majority? Do I truly listen when I disagree with someone or am I busy composing a rebuttal in my head? Am I willing to agree to disagree? Can I let go and let God? Send in your shares for next month’s column by Friday, May 19th to NYCAlanonColumn@gmail.com
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

​Al-Anon is a world-wide fellowship with thousands of members, meetings, intergroups, districts, assemblies and areas all served by our World Service Office in Virginia Beach. How did this happen? How did a program that started at Lois’ kitchen table become a world-wide organization serving millions of people?  
 
The simple answer is that our members stepped up and volunteered. They set up chairs and brewed tea and threw money in the basket. They collected the treasury and paid the rent at the church office or town hall. They shared at meetings and found speakers and volunteered to chair business meetings. They ordered books from their local Literature Distribution Center or Intergroup and got to know the volunteers there. They volunteered themselves and answered phones. They raised their hands when their home meetings asked for Intergroup Reps and Group Reps. They attended meetings beyond the group level and brought what they learned back to their groups. They offered suggestions at IR and GR meetings and were asked to come onto boards. They took minutes and hired staff and ordered literature from World Service. They wrote columns and visited local meetings to speak about outreach. They visited jails and schools and hospitals. They wrote funding appeals and budgets and paid bills and shared their results with the IRs and GRs. They volunteered to attend assemblies and represented their districts. They shared their wisdom at these meetings and joined committees and worked hard to set up conferences and do outreach. They volunteered to attend these conferences and brought back everything they learned. They were asked to consider becoming delegates and traveled to World Service Conferences where they joined in the discussion about new literature and new services such as phone bridge meetings and online meetings. And they continued attending their home group meetings and working their program and picking up the phone and smiling at the newcomer who’s dissolved in tears because she hasn’t yet learned that a world-wide organization has her back.
 
Participation. That’s the secret to Al-Anon’s growth and success as an organization and how the hand of Al-Anon is always there when someone reaches out for help.

• A member shares, “In Al-Anon we mandate participation through business meetings and group consciences. Though at times there are a few abstainers, most Al-Anonics do express their voice about group governance, if only at those limited times. And, as far as I can tell, there are very few complaints with the overall governance of the meetings and organization. Regular participation through these mechanisms also ensures that the governance is ongoing and flexible, another hallmark of keeping the program healthy and safe.”

 

• A member shares, “As a Trusted Servant I’ve leaned on Al-Anonics’ participation, feeling comfortable to inquire what the members want when I’m uncertain. At those times I feel I am more organizer than boss, which matches the philosophy, ‘If the team is healthy, it works independently without strict supervision or oversight.’ (Reaching for Personal Freedom p137). Every once in a while I’ll bump into some situation or person that’s unpleasant as a chair. But Al-Anon assures me that this is an opportunity to learn rather than a hassle to manage.”

 
Participating in our Al-Anon program not only ensures that Al-Anon will always be there for us, it provides a healthy model for our personal lives.

• ‘Often an Al-Anon conflict, discussion, and resolution will help me better understand a personal conflict going on at my home.’ Paths to Recovery p274

 

• A member shares, “Anything that I’ve learned from Al-Anon participation has helped me grow into a more secure adult, confident of my abilities to handle the tasks required of any mature adult.”

 

• “Today I participate with multiple teams. My family of origin is a team, and my husband and I are a team. My fellow co-workers and I are a team, and my home group is a team. If I interfere by giving unwanted criticism or suggestions, I’m demonstrating mistrust, cynicism, disrespect, and disapproval. Resentments are sure to follow. If I trust and respect each team member’s efforts on behalf of the common goal, I demonstrate faith, love and respect. I use the principle of Concept Four as a way of achieving harmony in my everyday life.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p137

 
Harmony is often something that’s in short supply in alcoholic households.

• A member shares, “There was very little harmony in my house when I was growing up. My mother ruled the roost – it was her way or the highway and none of us were allowed to object. My father told us to just do what she said – ‘don’t upset your mother.’ Like she was this bomb just waiting to go off. This was a terrible way to live. The way I survived was to stay away from her – isolating myself in my room. I’d never invite friends home because the atmosphere was just too hostile. My father was always away on business – apparently he couldn’t stand it either. So I followed his lead, burying myself in work and isolating. That worked for a while but inevitably, the loneliness and stress of trying to do everything myself brought me to a breaking point and luckily into the rooms where I discovered a new way. No one was in charge – hallelujiah! Decisions were made through discussion and then a vote – miracle! No one had to shoulder the whole thing, we all volunteered and shared the work – unbelievable! Program has taught me how to live and work with others. I am so grateful.”

 
Members often comment that sharing their thoughts in business meetings has taught them something very important – that they don’t have to be right. That they can learn from others.

• A member shares, “I always used to loathe business meetings. All the endless dickering about opening and shutting a window? Or how the chairs should be arranged? But something really wonderful happened when I shared at one of those meetings. After I gave my opinion – and I was right, you understand – I had to shut up and listen to everyone else. And miracle of miracles, I heard something I hadn’t thought of. Ever since, I’ve loved business meetings. I offer my opinion and then I shut up and listen. And then I vote for the best idea and trust that HP knows what she’s doing.”

 
Concept Four tells us that we’re all important – that no one’s opinion or contribution is more valuable than anyone else’s.  

• “Each member of a basketball team, an orchestra, a family, or an Area World Service Committee (AWSC) has different skills and talents. A basketball game cannot be played successfully without each member of the team. If the bassoonist is missing from the orchestra, there is a hole in the overall sound. If someone doesn’t set the table, dinner may be late. If the treasurer is never at the AWSC meetings, the Committee’s financial business cannot be carried out. I have discovered that every member is important to any group, and that I need to participate.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p138

 
By teaching us how to work and live with others, Concept Four takes us out of isolation and gives us what we all long for - belonging and fellowship.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This month’s topic is “Concept Three,” the third in our year-long series on the Concepts. Please join us in our exploration, setting aside some time every month to read about the current concept, share your reactions in an email to us and then enjoy the column when it’s published at the end of the month. April’s column will be: 

​Am I an active participant in Al-Anon? If not, why not? What can I do to become more involved? Am I willing to consider other opinions? Do I believe that there is more than one right way to do something? What can I do to encourage others to participate? We depend on your interest and support. Send in your shares for next month’s column by Friday, April 21st to NYCAlanonColumn@gmail.com.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

​ 
In recovery we learn to stop trying to manage and control people, places and things and instead turn them over to a power greater than ourselves. Concept Two taught us to extend this idea to situations where we work with other people. We learned about the power and freedom of delegating authority. We can’t do it all and we shouldn’t try. Instead we share responsibility, depending on each other to accomplish more than we could on our own. 

​Concept Three builds on this idea of shared responsibility by assuring us that as a trusted servant, we have the right to make decisions. What’s more, without this right, we couldn’t be effective. 

We have the right to decide, to make choices. This is a powerful idea and one that many of us may have lost sight of growing up in families that were dysfunctional.

• A member shares, “The first striking thing about the concept is that it frames decision-making as a right. In my own life I often avoid decisions because I see most of ‘em as scary. Underneath that fear is the desire to have someone else take care of me because I never got that luxury first time around, as a child.”

 

• “I grew up in an alcoholic home with many strict rules. The rules did not flex, were always understood and enforced with quick and sure consequences for infractions. Mother was the ultimate authority and chief enforcer. There were no allowances for discussion or appeal.” Paths to Recovery p 266

• “Initially, I believed that my emotional upheavals were due to my mother’s alcoholism. As disturbing as that was, I could not explain why that would affect me 20 years after she died. I came to Al-Anon and worked the Steps and Traditions. That was a big help, but there was still some nagging, unfinished business. When I began studying Concept Three, I found the answer. It wasn’t alcoholism that bothered me. It was someone taking away my right of decision.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p. 132

 

• “I can trace a good number of my character defects and warped self-worth to my experiences in a system where I was not trusted…. I did not know that my submitting and smoldering, and eventually my hateful rebellion toward my mom, stemmed from not having any rights of decision in my family. How grateful I am that my service in Al-Anon and my thirst for learning about it and how it works led me to this personal revelation.” Paths to Recovery p 266

 
Living with active alcoholism can also make us distrust our instincts. We know we are right – that the alcoholic should stop drinking. But nothing we say or do makes any difference. We begin to lose confidence in our intuition.

• “At first, I began helping out when the alcoholic was unable to function. Soon I was making all of his decisions to help him live his life in a way that I thought appropriate. I became the queen! My motto seemed to be, “My way or the highway.” The alcoholic was my subject and our lives were within my realm of power. I felt every decision fell into a category of either black or white. There were no gray areas. I could only see things one way – my way. But my way had not accomplished any change in his drinking habits. I found that I couldn’t bully someone into sobriety. I became ineffective and lost confidence. I was afraid to make a decision.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p 133

 
Program gives us back trust in ourselves. We aren’t perfect or all powerful but thanks to program we now have resources - the steps, traditions and concepts; sponsors and other members; and the principles of the program. We develop a relationship with a higher power and begin to learn to ask for help.

• “In our own lives, the Right of Decision means we have the right to proceed in the best way we know and to ask for help when it is needed. It also means that when we delegate responsibility for some task, we might set general guidelines, but we allow the person doing it to decide on the details. We don’t impose our constant oversight or our suggestions without being asked. Our trust and confidence support that person’s competence, autonomy and personal dignity.” Paths to Recovery p. 265

 
Trust means never having to micro-manage. We wouldn’t like having someone looking over our shoulder. And so we grant others the space and time to work things out in their own way. We allow them to learn from their mistakes.

• “I grew up in a home with an active alcoholic. The non-alcoholic parent, with good intentions, micromanaged my life. My parents were doing the best they could, and I believed that this was the way things were done. Although I rebelled under this micromanagement as a child, when I became a parent I tried doing the same with my children’s lives. I told them what they should eat, wear, do and become. As the office manager of a small business, I also tried to micromanage the work of other employees. My colleagues, as well as my children, rebelled under my attempts to supervise their lives. When I attended my first Al-Anon Assembly, I saw Concept Three in action. I was amazed at the process used to make decisions, and realized that my group trusted me. As I began to trust myself and others more, I saw my children making decisions about their lives. With the help of their Higher Power, they were led in directions that were better than anything I could have imagined. At work, I began to trust other people to perform their work without my micromanagement. By doing so, I realized that other people often had knowledge that I lacked, and ideas that were better than mine. My life has become much more serene by using Concept Three, as well as the other Legacies of the Al-Anon program.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p. 134

 
As we continue to recover, we begin to realize that many of our character defects, when aimed in the right direction, can be assets. A strong will when used to complete the steps and show up at meetings and do service is very helpful. Analysis is useful when doing a fourth step or making choices about taking on a sponsor or sponsee. Judgment is an ally when it concerns the best use of time or whether an opportunity will teach us something or take us down the same old dead end road. And now Concept Three tells us that our capacity for decision making and leadership is not necessarily a chance to dominate or control if approached with the right attitude and guided by the principles. In fact refusing to make decisions can be irresponsible.

• A member shares, “My paralysis when it comes to making decisions gets to one of the questions articulated in Paths to Recovery, “Can I make a decision and be comfortable with it? If not, why not?” My dysfunctional thinking has led me to answer “no” to the former query and refuse to address the latter in a meaningful, solution-oriented way. I’ve lived in the same crummy apartment for a very long time, for example, because I don’t want to have to decide where I want to live. In Alanon I am reminded that the lack of decision IS a decision, and there are consequences. The flip side, when I have the strength to acknowledge it, is to celebrate that having some things under my control is a privilege. In the literature and among the striving-to-be-healthy I can learn by example and see that choices that go awry can be corrected—by me, the competent Alanonic.”

 
Our willingness to make decisions will determine how much we change and how fast. It isn’t easy. As the serenity prayer tells us, it takes courage to change. And wisdom to know the right action to take. The extent to which we use the principles of the program when making decisions will determine whether the changes we make lead us to a healthier more serene life or just more of the same. The choice is ours.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________